Scylla and Charybdis

“Right in her doorway she ate them up. They were screaming and reaching out their hands to me in this horrid encounter.”
The Odyssey of Homer, by Lattimore ~ Book XII

Diary of a Common Henchman

Dear Diary,

I’m very sad right now.

Let me tell you about the time when I was viciously devoured by the Scylla, the really hungry sea monster. At that time, I didn’t really realize it at once. I mean, I could smell blood, and I knew it was my own, and I stared in terror at the crazed eyes of the hulking, enraged beast in front of me, but I didn’t really care that much anymore. I knew this was coming.

Let me first tell you my story of how I got to this point. I was always one of those brawns-over-brains type of people. When I was a child, I usually got into fights, and listening to my teachers never interested me. My parents, they wanted me to climb the social ladder, and maybe even become a noble. Too bad, I let them down. I hated it, the way they looked at me whenever I came in the house. That look of disappointment when you put all your expectations into something only to be let down. I got sick of it.

So I joined the military. I loved it, and I was good at it. I quickly rose up the ranks. Soon, people began calling me “The Beheader," and even “The Circumsizer." Don’t ask.

Soon after that, I was drafted into the best of of the best, under Odysseus. All of us equally skilled warriors, equally not as bright, and equally bloodthirsty. I wasn’t The Beheader anymore. I’m just your everyday grunt, but I didn’t care.

And then came the Trojan War: Over a hundred-thousand casualties, ten years of siege and murder, two severed fingers, a kidney, countless scars and all my teeth. Those were the best times of my life.

Anyway, after that, on our way back some, some stuff happened and now, after about 90% of us have died, we’re now here, in between two pissed-off sea monsters. We had two options: go through the whirlpool of Charybdis and maybe survive, or go through the really hungry Scylla and sacrifice six of us to pass. Apparently, Odysseus has never heard of the phrase “No one will be left behind.” and just decided to pass through Scylla and let six of us expendable soldiers die without telling us. What is six lives worth when compared to the whole crew right? Right?!

Okay, let me confess something. I don’t like Odysseus that much. I mean, whenever he’s there, I just sense some kind of weird pride in him. It seems as if he just thinks of us as stepping stones to some kind of pursuit of glory. He doesn’t really care that much if we die or not, he just wants to go safely home. Oh yeah, he also gets all the glory for everything! You know that cyclops, Polythemus? It wasn’t Odysseus that heroically stabbed him the eye and gave us time to escape. No, it was Stanley, the cook, using a kitchen knife. The stories add too much glitter and glam into the reality. So yeah, even before this Scylla and Charybdis fiasco, I knew that my chances of making it back to Ithaca were slim. I’ve seen how the others were killed. I hope Odysseus won’t read this.

Oh yeah, so when Odysseus decided that we’ll pass through Scylla, he didn’t really tell us, so we were all busy staring at the gigantic whirlpool that was a few hundred meters away from us, betting on how many spins our poop will do until it reaches the center.

Suddenly, I saw five gigantic freakin’ snake heads with a thousand teeth burst out the water and grab Stanley, Dennis, Norman, Norman Jr. and Adolf. (Poor Adolf, he had 7 children waiting for him back home!) The sixth, of course, was behind me and bit me in the ass. IT HURT SO MUCH!!

I cried. I cried manly tears. The others were screaming for help, begging Odysseus to help them, but when I looked at Odysseus, and he looked at me, he gave me the guy nod. “Good job,” his eyes said. And it was then at that moment that I knew that this was my job, and that I would do it well just like a soldier jumping in front of a spear aimed at his commander.

Yeah, that didn’t help that much. I’m still very sad.

- Jeremy the Circumsizer

Pictures from:

http://blogalice.com/engl230spring2007/files/scylla.jpg

http://www.mlahanas.de/Greeks/Mythology/Images2/Scylla.jpg